A Very Hobbit Hogwarts
by CeffylGwyn
Summary: It is the beginning of year feast and all the professors have been replaced with our company. Dwarven hilarity ensues when the three youngest members of the group are to be sorted into their houses. Just a bit of light-hearted fun. Crack!Fic. AU. *COMPLETE*


**This story is a little different from what I would usually write. It also might be a bit of a challenge to the reader. Hopefully you'll all be able to follow who is talking as most of it is pure dialogue, with no description. It is a bit of a Crack!Fic so if anyone is OOC then, well, they just are.**

_**Special Note: For the sake of this incredibly cracky Crack!Fic, Fíli and Kíli are twins (fraternal, and Kíli the younger of the two obviously) in order to be in the same year, and Ori is only a couple of months younger. Also, I have made Ori's last name 'Marzabul' as in the 'Book of Marzabul' that he wrote, because I couldn't actually find a last name.**_

_**Note as of 14/9/13: Some people seem to be finding it difficult to follow who's talking, so as a clue to who's speaking - Balin is being McGonagall and reading the names of the students to be sorted, the other 'teachers' are at the head table. Bofur making fun of Nori, Bombur thinking about food, Bifur being intelligible, Dori trying to keep the peace, Dwalin trying to listen to Balin, Gloin relaying information to Óin, and Óin unable to hear. Bilbo is trying to remain invisible and Thorin...is apparently asleep in the head chair. Hope that helps. Kudos to whomever figures out the identity of The Minister of Magic. **_

**Enjoy :)**

* * *

"Durin, Fíli."

"20 galleons on Gryffindor."

"Ha! I'll take that bet Starfish-head! 30 on Hufflepuff."

"Watch your language Bofur, that's my brother you're talking about!"

"Dori, have you seen him? He looks like a bloody starfish - you should sue whoever did his hair."

"Quiet now! Th' lot ah' yeh! I canna even hear wha' Balin is sayin'!"

"Can someone pass the bat wings?"

"Bombur, how many time have I told yeh not to eat when Balin's doing his speech-sorty-thingy?"

"Hajksdsbadkabsdjakdsmsd"

"Thank you Bifur. See! Even yer crazy cousin understands and he can't even speak the language!"

"Jadhkjsahdabsdkasj!"

"If yeh don't stop talkin' Bofur, I'm goin' teh tell th' headmaster yer bein' a bad influence again."

"Shhhhh Dwalin! The hat's about to make it's pronouncement! Get yeh galleons ready Starfish-head!"

"You know, the sorting hat almost looks as stupid as the hat you insist on wearing all the time Bofur."

"Shut up Starfish-head."

"Bofur, language!"

"Oh fer th' love of- Quiet now all of yeh!"

"Hasdjksdnsajdnasdsjkh...jadkjsahd..."

_"...I think you might just be...HUFFLEPUFF!"_

"Damn!"

"You owe me 30 galleons."

"Tell me, how did you get the sorting hat to say Hufflepuff? What did you bribe it with, a lady sorting hat?"

"Did he just say 'fat cavorting cat'?"

"No brother..."

"Now can you pass the bat wings?"

"Unlike some people I could name, *cough* Nori *cough*, I don't need to resort to illicit activities to be correct. It's obvious to any halfwit."

"Why you little-"

"Eh! No fightin' ah th' head table! Yer all lucky tha' Thorin's half-asleep!"

"No. Not lucky. He falls asleep at the drop of a hat."

"Aye, I'll give yeh that one."

"Oh dear, I have a feeling I should have made more tea."

"Durin, Kíli."

"Yeh? And wha' deh yeh think th' headmaster's goin' teh say when he find ou' tha' ye've been placin' bets on his nephews!"

"Well he's not going to find out is he Dwalin?"

"I agree with Freaky-flappy-hat here. He's not going to find out."

"Freaky-flappy-hat? What is yer problem?"

"You called me Starfish-head!"

"Well that's because you look like a Starfish-head."

"Just drink your Pumpkin Juice Freaky-flappy-hat."

"Dwalin, your brother has his robes caught in his sock again."

"Ach, not again. I swear he does it on purpose teh look as silleh as possible. How's yeh son Glóin?"

"Eh. He's not bad. Has this terrible habit of chewing on my beard though. Drives me mad."

"Did you say 'Drives me mad'?"

"Yes Óin."

"Could someone pass me the bat wings?"

"Can you stop with the food requests for just one minute Bombur?"

"I'm hungry."

"Just a minute! After we finish sorting, brother!"

_"...I think that you'd better be in...GRYFFINDOR!"_

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Did anyone actually bet on Kíli?"

"Nope."

"We all knew."

"I agree.'

"Definitely."

"What?"

"Food..."

"Oh for Mahal's sake Bombur!"

"Marzabul, Ori."

"He's a Puff."

"Agreed."

"Whattaya talking about? He's going to be a Slytherin, like me, his dear brother!"

"Absolutely not Nori, he's going to be a Hufflepuff, like me."

"Ha! A puff Dori?! No. Just no."

"Well, we know he's not going to be a Ravenclaw, I can say that ha ha ha-"

"30HkajshdkjasdakjsRAVENCLAWkjashdksjandjka."

"Wha- Bifur, are yeh mad?"

"Hajs."

"Right, well. Bifur has just put 30 galleons on Ori being put in Ravenclaw. I've got my money on it that he's a Puff. What about you Starfish-head?"

"Slytherin. And don't call me Starfish-head."

"Could someone pass me the bat wings?"

"Dori?"

"A Puff."

"Would you like to wager Mr. Dwalin?"

"_Professor;_ Bofur. Ehhhh why not, I'll say a Puff."

"Would you like to make a bet Professor Baggins, you've been awfully quiet this whole time."

"Oh...no...I...erm...no...I couldn't...really!"

"PASS THE DAMN BAT WINGS!"

"Alright alright, no need to get your knickers in a knot brother, yeh could have just asked."

"I did-"

"Gryffindor."

"Eh! Thorin! Now look what ye've done, ye've gone and made Bofur choke on his wine!"

"I thought you were asleep Headmaster."

"Gryffindor? What are you trying to do? Kill me?"

"No, I am simply placing my wager."

"Your...your wager?"

"Yes, my wager."

"Do you think that's entirely ethical, to place a bet on one one of our students Headmaster?"

"Is it entirely ethical to place bets on three of our students?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"I still say Slytherin."

"Nori!"

_"...What house do you belong to...hmmmm a difficult choice indeed...but I think it should be...GRYFFINDOR!"_

"What?!"

"NO!"

"MY MONEY!"

"What are you so worried about Starfish-head? We all know you're just going to steal it back anyway!"

"I expect all bets to be paid to my office tonight at 11:30 once the students have all gone to bed."

"Hanjshajshdsanda..."

"Bofur what did he say?"

"...he said of course Sir, anything Sir, three bags full Sir."

"Hmpf. Right."

"I think it's time for your speech Thorin."

"Of course. wait-what?"

"Your beginning of school speech Thorin."

"I know what speech it is thank you very much!"

"Well you asked..."

"It was a rhetorical question."

"What's a rhe-tooo-ri-cal question?"

"Well Starfish-head, it's this question that always starts in 'R' and ends in-"

"Bofur..."

"What?! I'm just trying to help a man out!"

"Help a fan whelp?"

"No brother, 'help a man out'."

"Are you sure? Because I could have sworn he said-"

"Enough! You are all making me lose concentration!"

"Thorin-"

"What Balin?!"

"Your speech-"

"I KNOW ABOUT MY SPEECH, BUT MY MAJESTIC SILENCE IS CONTINUALLY BEING INTERRUPTED!"

"Sorry."

"Yeh sorry."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"What'd he say?"

"Oín!"

"THAT'S IT! YOU'RE ALL ON DETENTION! I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE TEACHERS!"

"...Could someone pass the roast beef?"

. . . .

Kíli and Ori, along with the rest of the Hogwarts student population watched the headmaster and teachers fight in awestruck silence. The professors seemed to not have caught on to the fact the entire student body's attention remained on them. It was their first year on the job after all (all the past teachers seemed to have mysteriously disappeared). Kíli caught his brother's look from across the room and rolled his eyes.

"D-do you t-think t-they'll b-be like this a-all y-year?" Ori asked the other boy timidly.

Kíli looked at the teachers wide-eyed. It seemed that Ori's (_much_) older brother Nori (aka the Transfigurations Professor) had started to throw food at the Charms Professor, Bofur. The scary Defense against the Dark Arts Professor, who couldn't talk properly (some curse gone awry apparently long ago), Bifur, was swaying in his seat slightly, looking incredibly intoxicated.

Ori's (_much much_) older brother Dori, the History of Magic Professor seemed to be yelling at the two of them, waving a teapot around animatedly, Nori's aim must have been off because one of the potatoes he had aimed at Bofur missed and hit Dori instead, making him lurch forward, his teapot pouring straight into the Herbology Professor, Oín's, special earpiece (he was utterly deaf). Oín yelped (and because he was deaf, his yelp was more of a scream to those who could hear properly), and sent tea and earpiece flying, straight into Kíli's godfather, Dwalin's, lap.

The Potions Master let out a noise that could only be called a roar and shoved the Herbology Professor off his chair. The Herbology Professor's brother, Glóin, the Care of Magical Creatures Professor, then shoved the Potions Master off his chair, for shoving his brother off his chair. The Charms and Transfigurations Professors were still throwing food at one another, and the Astronomy Professor, Bombur, looked horrified that his brother (the Charms Professor) and companion were wasting the food in such a way (he looked on the verge of tears actually). Balin, the Ancient Runes professor was attempting to calm everyone down (and it didn't seem to be working).

Meanwhile, the _very _new Muggle Studies teacher, Professor Baggins, (or was it Boggins? Kíli couldn't remember) looked like he wanted to hide under the table and his uncle Thorin, the headmaster, was beginning to turn purple. All in all, a brilliant start to the year (one could only hope that the Minister of Magic aka 'She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed' also known as 'Mum' didn't find out about all this).

Kíli turned away from the chaos of the head table and eyed the younger boy seriously, "Only if we're lucky."

* * *

**My excuse: I was on the train. I was incredibly bored. It was necessary. That is all.**


End file.
